G.G. the Gamma Gizmo
(I so adore and respect this younger version of myself! What all she/me/we/I have survived and the ways we’ve grown are incredible.)
Meet G.G. She is one of my many amazing healers.
I was diagnosed in September with a Meningioma tumor in my brain. It’s inside my skull on the left side in the area that controls facial muscles and is pressing on the brain cord. It’s about the size of a big grape or the 1st joint of my thumb. Surgery would be a last resort due to the location. This type of tumor is considered the “good” type, as they are almost always benign. (Yay me)
So G.G. is my 1st option healer who comes with those wonderful souls who program, operate and created her and the rest of the staff at the cancer center who treat me and the other brave souls. (Thank you)
G.G. is my shorthand for, “Gamma Gizmo”. That sounds so much nicer than gamma knife doesn’t it? She sends precise blasts of radiation to the tumor to kill it off. Zap, zap!!! Take that you evil invading vermin!
I like to think of the process as having my brain zapped – a cross between a sci-fi episode and Yosemite Sam (with better accuracy). Adding a bit of comic relief also helps me manage the scary.
Being a nerd girl, I also “hear” what Bones (from Star Trek) would say about our archaic G.G. in his voice. “How did they ever survive?” … “Damn it! I’m a Doctor, not a physicist!” Which is ironic as there is a Doctor, who is a physicist, on my team who helped to program G.G. with the precise radiation treatment plan.
My first introduction to G.G. was terrifying!
She’s huge! And she moves in a robotic/humanoid kind of way that reminded me of a scary scene out of an early 007 movie I happened to see as a child from the drive-in theater playground. (Those were glory nights indeed!)
I was gently constrained on the table and had a molded-to-me plastic mask to hold my head in a precise place. I understand that this type mask is a huge upgrade from the type that actually attaches to the head in a painful way – so something else to be grateful for there.
I was asked what type of music I’d like to listen to from the Pandora list and I chose “Hawaiian Radio” as it feels like a nice get-away vacation. However during that first treatment there was no getting away from the robotic sounds and in my face “eye” or nozzle of the radiation delivery point. I screwed up my eyes but was still fearful.
I tried to focus on IZ and “Over the Rainbow” and to remind myself the process would be over in less than an hour and that, for me, this was a hella lot better than surgery…
I reminded myself that this was for my health.
And I tried a couple times to open my eyes and look at, face the scary thing. However the nozzle truly looks like a scary eye delivery point of radiation and all my life I’ve heard how bad that stuff is! There it was, mere inches from my face at times – or around out of my sight zapping at different angles somewhere between 100-200 times.
I focused on some anxiety techniques like “square breaths” – breathing in for a count of 4, hold for 4, release to 4, hold for 4 – repeat. That helped. I focused on the feeling I got earlier – a swelling of peace that came like a blessing from friends and family. That helped too. I tapped my toes gently to the Hawaiian music… I survived my first gamma radiation treatment.
And later that night I only had some mild discomfort from the radiation. Slight nausea with no puke and only a minor bruise/burn throb at where I assume the tumor is. The damn thing had been zapped! This is good! The slight pain meant that the tumor was dying!
I decided that my next treatment would be a lot better. Not only did I know what to expect and that I would survive – I decided to MAKE it better.
I used my gift of imagination to make it so. I thought of the adorable Wall E robot from the Disney Pixar movie. I like alliteration so I named the radiation robotic, Gamma Gizmo instead of Gamma Knife, as it’s called and shortened that to G.G. as I feel more of a feminine energy from her.
I also blessed her and those who created her – the scientists, the brave souls who had treatments before me who added to the technology available, the health professionals etc. I received the blessings that my friends, family and even strangers from prayer lists were sending me…
Transition complete.
Round 2 complete. I can do this.
By, “this”, I mean manage my response to this scary/awful/wouldn’t-wish-this-on-anyone situation. And hopefully be able to do this in the next crappy situation.
By “this” I also mean – these lessons I’m learning:
- I’m not alone – I have many friends and family and extended friends and family of friends and family who hold me in love and support – as I do them too. (Hint – the hardest part is asking for the support you need – know it is worth it! And you do the same for them – so ask!)
- Scary doesn’t mean “bad” and good can come of “bad” so what’s the good about this? Pretty much any situation has another side like the other side of a coin – refocus on that side. Sure it’s easier said than done – most lessons are – and they’re worth it.
- Ask the questions that bring solutions – such as, “How can I make this better/manageable?” Your brain loves to answer these types of questions.
- And your heart loves to help others – so ask for help and receive in the same joy it feels to give help.
Thank you to all of you who lifted me up – I truly feel the blessings.
I hope this helps someone.
Groovy Bright Blessings – Live Long and Prosper!
Carol Still
P.S. The table also moves – Just a tiny bit for precise alignment. It feels like a tiny vibration and slight movement. No worries.
Thank you for reading this older post – I hesitated including these and I flipped and flopped and overthought and then decided it would be worth including these as they may be useful to someone else on their own journey.
They not so elegantly document the messiness – and therein lies the beauty and purpose.
If you’d like to work with a life coach who’s walked some dark paths and also played with rainbows and fireflies please feel free to contact me here for availability and pricing.