Toxic Positivity, Capitalism and Collateral Damage – Let’s Start 2020 on a Groovy Happy Note, Shall We?
(I so adore and respect this younger version of myself! What all she/me/we/I have survived and the ways we’ve grown are incredible.)
No, I can’t “just get over it” and no amount of platitudes will actually help me – at least not right now. What would help me (and many more like me) is if more people were to pump their, “fuck-this-fuck-you” fists into the air and rage at the injustice and harm our Capitalistic society wrecks. It’s a fucked up system that encourages lies, greed, lack of humanity, wiped out entire species and ecosystems, has led us to the brink of mass extinction, epidemic levels of narcissism, suicides, depression, climate change, world-wide fires raging and… and… and… I’m no expert but this is a fucked system that values greed over humanity.
“The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important” – Mark Manson
And Yall, this is important!
Toxic Positivity
I only just recently crossed paths with the term, Toxic Positivity. According to the Urban Dictionary: Toxic Positivity is the belief that “If you just stay positive you will overcome any obstacle” to such a degree that you invalidate natural emotional responses to the person having those feelings. Example: “Her toxic positivity left her friend feeling like his feelings were not important and he was overreacting”. That’s not at all ok to do to another. And I’ve definitely been guilty of doing this – to others and also to myself! I’m that person.
I was enamored by Disney’s, Pollyanna way back when I saw it on a TV rerun over two Sunday nights when I was 7, over 5 decades ago. As a society we place so much value on people who have a sunny disposition and can go through the shit-storm and remain cheery without any crap festering. Negative Nellies are not people to hang around with, is the messages I learned growing up. Even our pop culture warns us to limit our exposure to negative people and to set healthy boundaries (the message being to avoid the assholes and anyone who might tarnish our shining bright vibe) I wanted to be like Pollyanna! I wanted (want) people to like me! Why can’t we all just be glad?
There’s a consequence for not having a Groovy Happy vibe. I’ve been emotionally backhanded when I’ve not responded ‘appropriately” with a positive attitude. I think that technique is called, “behavior modification through negative reinforcement”. It’s effective. I’ve also (figuratively) bitch-slapped a few people too.
Who benefits from positivity?
Anyone. I keep a gratitude journal. I use positive affirmations and Afformations; even putting them on 3×5 cards in pretty colors posted around my home. I focus on the “good” in people and situations and truly look for and expect “silver linings” even when I don’t recognize them right away… That reframe into even the possibility of a positive outcome has helped me not follow through on suicidal ideation.
However, for a number of human reasons, I am unable to maintain positivity. (News flash – no one can maintain having only positive feelings – we are not meant to) And when I fail at positivity, I feel shame. Deep shame that can send me right back into that cycle of anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation. Even as I know that no one can always be positive – but surely…nope. Impossible. I’m Possible… fuck! Fuckery!
Positivity seems rampant especially in this age of social media where it is common to practice the art of compare and despair our inside feelings with others’ posted supposed real feelings – positivity. Guilty! Guilty of also avoiding negative people, or at least thinking less of them… and if I do that – then I must continue to live a façade of positivity. Otherwise… if anyone found out that I’m not Groovy Happy Vibes all the time… or that I avoid people who may not be cheerful, then people will think less of me… Judged! Guilty! Shame!
And, oh yes, I do feel shame about shunning people who aren’t cheery even as I’ve been shamed and shunned in this spiral rabbit hole of fiction… so sometimes I overcompensate. I tend give the benefit of a doubt, to hang onto people who are actually toxic or stay in situations until I’m ready to crash into the rocks, “because everyone deserves to feel loved” and “people can change” and nothing lasts forever so I can wait it out, this too shall pass. In the retrospect lens, seeing the non-there good in people and situations has clouded my ability to take appropriate actions. This may be a precursor to apathy.
I’m not the only one who’s gotten locked into the toxicity of positivity! Thank you and Sorry for your troubles to the many others and you, if this includes you… (To platitude, or not to platitude, that is the question…). I truly am sorry that there are so many of us caught in this fuckery of toxic positivity.
Capitalism
Who benefits from toxic positivity? A capitalistic society leaves a nice little breadcrumb path – follow the money. Happy people buy more things. So do unhappy people. People grounded in a healthy dose of feeling reality (the real reality) while acknowledging all of their genuine emotions – not so much.
We’ve been using this Capitalistic approach to running our country for a very long time and have touted it especially as the right and only way since WWII, having learned that Communism is the enemy. We’ve even sold capitalism to other countries. Google it – it’s the best! However… sigh. It’s not working, as I mentioned in the first paragraph. Capitalism is destroying our world. Maybe not exactly – but it is a vessel that seems to foster the toxic substance, Greed. What some people will do! And we all do it at some point at some level… It’s in our western fabric fabricated life, our way of doing things. Otherwise, if you don’t, then you’re a communist or a socialist, social misfit, cancerous scab, draining from the coffers of the good people. Oh hell no!
What if… what if this (Positivity vs. Toxic Positivity) is just another US vs THEM thing, yet another way to segregate us and into a lack of humanity – hate? Smoke and mirrors to pit us against one another to keep us unable to focus on our humanity. In how many ways can we be divided? Must we be divided?
If we can’t feel our feelings because they are bad (not positive), there’s a pill for that – though you might not feel anything afterwards and that’s ok because numbness, we are told, is better than a lack of positivity. Others can handle you if you’re merely numb – so take a chill pill! (Handle being the operative word)
And in no way do I intend to discount those of us who may truly have serious chemical imbalances that require medications – I take my pills like everyone else… but I do wonder why I am chemically imbalanced? Could it be the stress of living all the lies we are told and tell ourselves and others in our chaotic lives, or is it the processed foods or the DDT or Roundup that was sprayed in nearby yards and farms draining into waterways that led to the river where I’ve lived or the ocean I went to? Or could it be the proprietary chemicals (we don’t know them – being proprietary and all) in the air fresheners we use that mask the stink of babies, kids, fur babies and our whole stinky life, that little plug-in that also disrupts hormones and contains cancerous chemicals, we just don’t know which chemicals because they are a proprietary blend? Maybe. But what would happen if we just stopped using air fresheners? The whole of our economic system, aka Capitalism, would fail. We can’t have that!
Collateral Damage
I am the culmination of this failed capitalistic system in which I live, have lived for 58 years, as of this writing. I am collateral damage. Damaged. I am permanently disabled, which makes me one of those cancerous scabs living off the government. You. I am living off of you. I am thankful – so thanks y’all. There are people, myself included, who feel I am a failure, a worthless drain on society and better off dead (I do not currently feel like I am better off dead but have felt this way several times). I have depression, anxiety, multiple chemical sensitivities (MCS), fibromyalgia, chronic pain, suicidal ideation, a (benign) brain tumor that got zapped with gamma and I’m in heart failure for the second time.
I went through bankruptcy and foreclosure during the recession of 2008-2009-2010. I have student loan debt and a worthless MAED-SPED (Master’s of Education in Special Education) because two greedy little pricks representing the University of Phoenix lied to me about the teaching credential being built into the program – even for those of us out of state in California – I asked that question, specifically, of both those greedy, lying pricks and they both explained in the exact same way that it was indeed included – and the officials at UOP backed them – the liars by saying their representatives would never lie – when in fact, their paychecks depended on their ability to lie – they got paid by the number of people they signed on/lied to. Capitalism.
I have a mother who is now, at 80 years of age finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – after having been treated for Bipolar for close to 30 years, “because she has Bipolar and it’s treatable (with several medications and profit for big pharm) and it is less stigmatizing than BPD – which doesn’t have a very good treatment potential” (There are no pills to fix or treat BPD and if there were they wouldn’t take it – as confessed to me by her doctor only recently) Her doctors lied to her and to us for decades – and Mom hid her “bipolar” disorder for 10 of those years to her family, to me. She lied. Oh the choices I made… Sometimes I wake up in shaking and dripping with rage thinking how different my life and even the lives of my children would be if only I could have made decisions based on truth.
Of course I will own my part – I made some bad choices. AND so many of those “bad” choices were based on lies that I was told. I’m not trying to be a victim. I truly do not choose to be a victim – I own my part – I made some really fucked up choices. I just want to hold the liars accountable too. So I’m calling them out. Others have also called them out.
Remember, after the housing bubble burst, we saw how our capitalistic society worked. The bankers who were caught lying were exonerated. The banks were “rewarded” with bailout money from the government (our money) instead of letting them “fail”, or (horrors) capitalism itself fail. Nope. They got money for bad, greedy business practices – our money! The top CEO’s and such were also rewarded and given bonuses and they were all back in business that quick and it was business as usual, because Capitalism, being the best, can’t be exposed as flawed – and it certainly can’t fail.
Meanwhile, I failed. I had failure on top of failure on top of failure. A lot of us failed and I know I’m in good company, but there it is on my credit score, at 4am waking in terror and sweats, while living in my car for 2 months, having a panic attack in Walmart during the holidays, it’s in my heart condition and chronic pain, on my trips to the mental hospital with suicide ideation because the rocks look like a saner solution than living in an unfair society. I’m getting better. Some days all I can do is to rely on my anger to see me though another day and on some days it’s those pesky platitudes I tell myself that get me out of bed. Well that and coffee. Every day, in more ways than I can count, I own my fuckery. I can feel the sting of having fucked up and I know in my soul that I certainly didn’t create the fuckery that caused my failure or that of the other good people. You.
I have brought into so many lies the media and our society and “friends” and ex-husbands and family has told me. I believed so many lies, and lies of lies, and lies of those lies. And told my own lies just to try to fit in… The lies have it! That is how Capitalism works. That’s the fuckery of it all and anyone who says differently is a liar. Bank on that.
Our capitalism has netted us over a trillion dollars in debt and cost us trillions more in the collateral damage. Trillions. That’s trillions with an “s”, multiple trillions, uncountable trillions! Damage to me, the others, the lack of repairs to our infrastructure or the expansion of infrastructure a truly wealthy nation would have had. Think of the disparity of schools, the abandonment of our veterans, the pothole not getting filled in down the block, the bridge not being replaced that crumbles into the sea, the homelessness, the opioid crisis… How’s that for collateral damage? Sadly, I could go on and on and on. Capitalism is a failed system that is taking us all down with it.
But here’s a pill to numb out those feelings and 2 more for the side-effects of that one, No worries, there’s an inflationary price on those pills that will be covered by insurance, or not, so that Big Pharm wont go broke and can go on to create new pills for the next level of fuckery coming down the pike. Like when you put on weight from that anti-depressant med and get diabetes and heart failure from those meds there’s even more pills for that. Oh and there’s an entire industry devoted to weight loss that generates over 64 Billion a year… How’s that for fuckery?
Did I mention that I am certifiably crazy? That’s no lie – I have the paperwork.
I’d rather be crazy than cruel. But I’ve been cruel too. And I am sorry. I wish I could go back and do and be, better, make different choices – but I can’t. I will do my best to be a better human going forward.
Animals feel, plants feel – these are well-documented facts. Every body feels. Emotions happen regardless of if we want them or not. Humans are meant to feel – when we deny feelings, or negate them or squash them or invalidate them in any way the buggers grow! (Sadly, I haven’t heard of any study where denying the “positive” feelings leads to an abundance or growth of positive feelings.) The denial and judgment of feelings as bad, negative or inappropriate is one of the reasons we burst and spew… and develop personality disorders and pop pills and even buy into and support systems that are so obviously not working, like Capitalism.
And that’s how I went from, Toxic Positivity, to Capitalism and Collateral Damage.
Emotions guide you and me. If we deny them then we also deny our intuition and our way of knowing – even our way of knowing right from wrong. If people, we, were free to feel our humanity, to allow our emotions to guide us along our path in a natural way, I don’t think that the greedy would thrive. I think they could be loved out of existence. Perhaps into a better existence where they can feel satiated.
Because I really do believe in humanity, I do believe that most people will do the right things and can live in harmony with themselves and Mother Nature. I have to believe these things or I’d give in to that suicidal ideation. So I tell myself these positive things and yes write platitudes and affirmations and afformations on 3×5 cards and post them everywhere to remind me… to remember. There are good people too in spite of what the media tells me.
I will also honor my feelings – all of them, validate yours and do my best to be a groovy humanoid – because ALL emotions are Groovy.
Additional reading and Kudos:
Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
* “The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important”
* “Everyone and their TV commercial wants you to believe that the key to a good life is…more, more, more… – buy more, own more, be more…”
* “But anyone’s who’s ever been seriously sick knows there’s another sode to positive thinking and health. Because the positivity culture puts a lot of responsibility on a person’s shoulders. If you can feel healthier and happier by thinking positively, the reverse surely must also be true: the reason you’re still not better is because you’re not positive enough.”
* “Toxic positivity strips someone away from the validation they deserve and leaves them feeling ‘guilty’ for contributing to their problems’, for ‘not being strong enough’ to get better by themselves. Instead of searching for ways to deal with the situation, people may start to doubt themselves, at a time when they need their confidence the most.”
* “It’s completely normal to have negative thoughts once in awhile, but sometimes, you can develop negative thinking patterns that aren’t helpful. For example, you might take things too personally or immediately expect the worst-case scenario when something doesn’t go as planned. We all make these cognitive errors, but they can be especially persistent when you’re depressed, anxious, stressed or sick. If that’s the case, challenge your thoughts. Is what you’re thinking true? Could there be a more helpful alternate thought?”
* “You can’t make someone be positive. You can’t sprinkle positivity dust on them and make their problems go away. And honestly, when people are seeking help and support, they’re usually not looking for straight-up, inspirational poster positivity. More often, they’re looking for validation that their negative feelings are OK.”
* “…when you force positivity down someone’s throat, it can actually have the opposite effect. “Toxic positivity” can make people feel unsafe expressing their negativity, and negativity thrives in isolation. It can make people think there’s something wrong with them for not simply “choosing” happiness, and shame is negativity’s enabling best friend.”
* “While there is certainly something to be said for having a sunny disposition on life, it’s also possible to overdose on the sickeningly sweet nectar of platitudes. The real truth is, life can hurt sometimes. If you’re angry—and the angry feelings aren’t acknowledged—they get buried deep within our body. As described above, suppressed emotions can later manifest in anxiety, depression, or even physical illness.”
* “If you’re being influenced by toxic positivity, we encourage you to set healthy boundaries with anyone who passes judgment on your authentic experience and speak your truth. We get one chance at this beautiful, painful, imperfect life…embrace it entirely and you’ll reap the rewards of bountiful aliveness.”
Thank you to these groovy people and countless others who have fed my brain over the years!
Thank you for reading this older post – I hesitated including these and I flipped and flopped and overthought and then decided it would be worth including these as they may be useful to someone else on their own journey.
They not so elegantly document the messiness – and therein lies the beauty and purpose.
If you’d like to work with a life coach who’s walked some dark paths and also played with rainbows and fireflies please feel free to contact me here for availability and pricing.