My heart hurts today
9/8/18
I so adore and respect this younger version of myself! What all she/me/we/I have survived and the ways we’ve grown are incredible.
I’ve noticed that in spite of knowing better (LOA) I have a tendency to use phrases that don’t serve me. As example, “I’m blind as a bat” when my eyes are tired or in the morning before I put my contacts on. Another is, “That makes my heart hurt”, or, “that breaks my heart”, when something feels sad or “wrong”.
The first time I went through Congestive Heart Failure I’d gone through divorcing the father to my kids. It was a difficult decision. It broke my heart. Literally.
Yes. It is possible to die of a broken heart. https://www.heart.org/en/health-topics/cardiomyopathy/what-is-cardiomyopathy-in-adults/is-broken-heart-syndrome-real
Or:
Goddess and Earth Angels…
Wanted: A place to heal my heart.
I am a tree-hugger with heart failure. I also have bouts of anxiety, depression and a cataract in one eye among other health issues. I’ve applied for disability – again. (Fingers crossed) I am on welfare, which doesn’t cover half of my expenses.
Genetics and a tendency to be overly sensitive or tenderhearted is apparently the cause of my heart failure. That and 2 years of deep depression, 3 hospital stays, misdiagnosis and wrong medications, poor food choices without exercise (depression) and spending too much energy helping those who ask for it then strike me down.
I don’t use illegal drugs, I don’t smoke and rarely drink.
I’d like a place to heal or die that is quiet, drama and asshole free, has gardens and or natural area to walk and be. Beach or forest access would be incredibly special and sacred.
I am on several medications and working to lose weight and gain strength.
I’m eating better than I have been for the past 2+ years. I eat veggies, tofu, oatmeal, fruit, no beef or pork and mostly natural and gluten free. I’ve lost 10 lbs. so far in spite of not having a place to walk as I currently live halfway up a long steep hill that kicks my heart in about 2/10 of a mile.
I began a 30-day yoga challenge on the 1st of September, which I can’t fully physically do so I substitute deep breathing and gentle stretching when I can’t keep up.
I was diagnosed with CHF just over a month ago the day before I turned 57. I was healthier then than I am now – I feel weaker and my heart hurts – especially when I am triggered with anxiety or abusive behaviors from people who claim to love me.
I’ve healed from heart failure before – about 20 years ago.
It took my full focus and desire to want to heal. I had 2 young children at home, one with autism. Dying was not an option. I’m wobbly this time. There’s a part of me that wants to let go and move on to the afterlife.
I’m tired.
I sit on the front porch and watch the trees die off one branch at a time and friends too. The world feels sad, scary and unsafe. I’ve had to separate from some of my family. Even the man who claims I’m his best friend seems to take pride in being an asshole. He’s allowed our plants and fish to die and I feel like I’m next.
When he sees homeless people on the corner begging for money he states that, “it is a choice to be homeless.” Therefore, if I don’t find a place soon, I will be choosing to be homeless because it is healthier for me. (shit – I sound overly dramatic and needy – there has to be another way)
So Goddess – what do you have for me to live for?
Is there something that you still need from me or is it time to go home? If you have plans for me please connect me to the resources I need to survive and serve you.
My needs are simple. I just need a place and resources to heal.
I’m putting this energy out to you to see what you and your angels have in store for me. Please be direct, and swift. Subtleties confuse me and I need to escape where I am quickly. Please and thank you in advance.
Bright blessings.
Your Daughter, Carol
Thank you for reading this older post – I hesitated including these and I flipped and flopped and overthought and then decided it would be worth including these as they may be useful to someone else on their own journey.
They not so elegantly document the messiness – and therein lies the beauty and purpose.
If you’d like to work with a life coach who’s walked some dark paths and also played with rainbows and fireflies please feel free to contact me here for availability and pricing.